is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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