then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
