I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
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SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
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I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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