I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just want nice things and good sex
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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