I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
