Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
