Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
