I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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