.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
