cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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