I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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