Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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