At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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