Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
