I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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