I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
