I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize