There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
