hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
