Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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