oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
