Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
