1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
