I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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