i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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