Im at strip club and am horny
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
