she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
