My sheets look like a crime scene.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
