This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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