Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
