So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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