Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
