I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
