At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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