your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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