I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
