I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think my fart just growled at me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
