she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
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