At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.