My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
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By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
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Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.