Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
