If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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