So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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