I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
