You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
