Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
