So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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