My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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