So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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