The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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