Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
