Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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