I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
