if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Semen is not good for contacts.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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